30 March 2020

Fat Boy

FAT BOY

            The fat boy lay in his bath, the water cooling around him, steam on his glasses.  He squeezed the yellow, foot-shaped sponge, letting the soapy cream slide down over his navel, slipping down the creases in his flesh.  He marvelled at the smooth, pink expanse of his body, thinking of all the good things that had gone into it, all the good things he could still find to fill it up.  He wondered vaguely how much it had all cost, and what it might be good for.
            Absent-mindedly he reached below his stomach, feeling for the shrunken skin that wrapped his flaccid penis.  He lifted it, but let it flop back into the water.  He couldn't see it, and he didn't really want to know about it.  If only somebody else would hold it.  If only he had a friend to cuddle, to play with, to lie on top of in the warmth of the bed.  Someone who would open to him.
            Like mother; only young and smooth.  And it should be a girl, too.  Other boys were nice, but in the long term a girl would be more presentable, more right.  Other boys would look up to him more then, and think how good they looked together.  And it would be something to be proud of, something not to be shy about.  And mother would approve, and they could have tea together, without pretending.
            The water slopped against him as he sat up and reached for the bobbing, plastic duck.  He squeezed it and it squawked a comic noise.  He let it fall, and removed his glasses.  Everything went from bleary to blurred.  He dunked the spectacles in the bath water, then wiped them round with the corner of the flannel, meaning to polish them later.  He put them back on, and surveyed his gleaming body through the streaked brightness of the wiped lenses.  
            He poked his navel, thinking of the line that had held him to his mother, thinking of the bowl of spaghetti he had had last night, thinking that perhaps today he would go for a walk when he got home from school.  Or perhaps he would see if anyone would play squash.  No, not squash.  
            It was lonely without mother.  She would be back on Thursday, but he didn't like being so reliant on Rita.  Mother was good for him, and tidied up without complaining, picking up his school clothes, and putting out clean shirts for him.  Rita only provided meals and did the washing.  She didn't care like mother.  

            Crossly he slapped the water with the flat of his right hand.  Drops of water were flung out of the bath across the pink tiles, skidding up the toes of his slippers.  He cursed, weakly.  Why should he go to school?  Why had he to carry on with the performance?  Academically he was getting nowhere, and his future was just getting shorter.  Why couldn't he run away to sea, or get a job as a volunteer somewhere?  He could lie about his age, get Harry to fake some references......
            Worst of all was being fat.  Being fat was like smoking; you could always stop tomorrow.  Or you could stop every day.  But it didn't go away; it just didn't fade.  He cursed the hours and hours he spent doing things he didn't want to do, when he could be lying in the sun on a beach in South Africa, tanned and slim.  Instead, his time was consumed, and to ward off tiredness and the boredom of frustration he ate, greedily.  
            He heaved himself up, scummy water pouring back into the bath.  He pushed the plug release and reached for his towel.  Every movement called for effort; every effort stuck like a pin into his sagging flesh.  As he stepped onto the puddled floor, he began to think of the day ahead, and realised suddenly that he had not done the homework for Italian.  He wondered if he could read it up quickly before he left the house.  But Dante doesn't make sense like that.  He would have to try at lunch time, and if not, say he'd been too busy.  But the teacher wouldn't like that:  she would make some remark that would belittle him in front of the class.  
            Teachers made him sick.  Especially 'trendy' ones.  He wished he was back in his old school, where everybody knew their position, wore uniforms of one kind or another with ties of rank, and even the most eccentric of teachers was respectful and considerate.  Here everybody dressed as they liked, and sometimes it was difficult to tell the teachers from some of the sixth form.  And nobody understood about cheekiness or respect.  He'd tried to tell the prefects; he'd tried to tell the school council.  People nodded and agreed, smiled condescendingly, came and whispered their approval, but then they all just went their own sweet ways as if nobody had said anything.  
            Teachers made him sick.  They probably called him 'Fatty' - or worse? - in the staff room. They read communist newspapers, they had a smoking room:  some of them even went to the trattoria over the road at lunchtime and drank.  If only mother would take me away, he thought.  

            When he'd dabbed himself dry, he dropped the damp towel on the side of the bath and wandered through to his bedroom.  Susie Wong lay on the coverlet, licking herself.  She stretched as he entered, luxuriously exposing her soft belly.  It's all right for some, he mused, tickling her under her chin.  Two kittens struggled to get back on the teats, while a third blindly sniffed around his hand.  This was what life should be like:  soft and warm.  Cosy.  
            He adored the cats.  He'd learnt so much from them.  He knew what it was like to have babies now, and how to treat little ones.  Life was so fascinating, if you had the time.  
            He rummaged in the chest of drawers, and found some clean underpants, and a vest.  Then some light socks.  Today was a day for light socks.  There was a shirt in the cupboard that mother had ironed before she went away, but he had to ask Rita, and she was so difficult to communicate with.  
            Trousers and tie from the back of the chair, jacket must be in the living room.  Shoes?  Shoes also in the living room.  He could hear Rita now, clattering in the kitchen, making coffee most likely.  He brushed his hair impatiently, careless of the dandruff and strands that landed on his shoulders.  What time was it?  Did he have the time for breakfast?  

            Rita said something cheery as he went into the kitchen, something he didn't quite catch, so he countered with a comment on the weather.  Italian was such a deceptive language.  It all seemed so easy, so mellifluous and musical.  Yet so hard to grasp.  And sometimes it seemed as if everybody else could rattle it off as if they were born to it.  Everybody at school, even the teachers, were better at it than he was, and he could sense them all laughing at his efforts.  "Si," he said to something else Rita had said, assuming she was referring to the biscuits she was putting on a plate for him.  "Grazie."  Then he thought of the shirts, and delved for the words.  "Per favor, Signora.  Ho bisogna di un altro, erm, chemise...."  He tugged at his shirt front, smiling awkwardly.
            "Una camicia, si si.  La faccio subito."
            "Camicia, si.  Grazie.  Ma non per adesso," he added, seeing that she appeared to think he wanted it immediately.  "Per domani."
            "Va bene," she said, and then machine-gunned another string of phrases at him, impudently knowing he wouldn't catch it all. 
            He soaked a biscuit in the milky coffee, and sucked it through his lips, dreaming of bacon and eggs.  Why had they come to this country?  What did it have apart from ruins?  What pleasure could anyone get out of living here?

            Outside it was grey and blustery.  A warm, southerly wind blew clouds against the trees, plastering yellow and brown leaves against the black road.  He walked down to where Tracey and her father usually picked him up, and waited, hands in pockets, trying to feel at ease.  His stomach lolled against his belt, and he wondered what he would get for lunch.  
            The car drew up, and he got in the back.  Tracey didn't turn to him, and her father gave him the briefest of nods.  He made a comment about the weather, and then elaborated, comparing this kind of warm wetness with the far east, and with England, the West country.  The car nudged along in the commuter traffic.  Thank God it was only five minutes, he thought.

            As usual, he thanked Tracey's father profusely while Tracey ran off.  He watched after her, wistfully, as her father drove off into the excitement of city life.  Then he wandered down to the tuck shop for a cappuccino and a cornetto.  It was almost empty.  The buses must be late this morning, he thought.  Two of those teachers stood at the bar.  They acknowledged his presence, but carried on talking without addressing themselves to him.  He steered clear of them, and found himself saying 'Hello' to a fourth-former and his mother.  But they were Italian, too.

            Inside the school all was quiet.  A few bags lay abandoned on the corridor floor where they'd been thrown the day before.  He took no notice.  A poster for a Cake Sale peeled from the wall at him.  He read the date, then tried to stick it back up.  He paused before a display of batik work that reminded him painfully of the colours and styles of his previous school.  He walked down the gloomy corridor, past the receptionist who was busy talking fluent Italian into the telephone.
            He unlocked his office and pulled up the blinds.  And then he sat down at his desk, looking down at his thighs, and waited for his secretary to come and tell him what to do…..


Paul McMullin 30/10/90

25 March 2020

Reasons to be cheerful (Part 4)

Dreaming of the Great Outdoors.....




Why don't you get back into bed?





Without wishing to make those who are confined to their homes feel even worse, here's a little sample of what is going on outside. The wintry skeletons of oaks are fuzzy at the twig-tips with buds about to burst....






Though things may well change, despite the nightmare of the Covid-19 virus, at the moment we are still able to get out of our homes for exercise, and, with the blessing of a few days of bright spring sunshine, it is uplifting.....  Blackthorn is in full flower.....






Yes, despite the ravages of this life-threatening infection, the world (in the Northern Hemisphere) is springing into life.  The other day I heard, and saw, my first ChiffChaff, a dear little herald of hope and rebirth....







And today I found my first Bluebell.....







The hedgerows are splashed with Dead Nettles.....







The Gorse by the rail tracks is in gorgeous staining yellow....







And the coppiced Hornbeam in our ancient woodland is unfurling its tender green leaves.....






Bird life is excited.  The crow family are everywhere, with rooks being particularly raucous....








I spot a handsome Kestrel perched on a dead tree...






A Heron turns its back on a passing Little Egret.....







And a beautiful Red Kite glides past the quiet woods....






While the lambs play hide and seek getting ready for Easter.....







On my allotment plum blossom tempts another late frost.....






And by the Badgers' Sett in Heartwood Forest the Dog Violets are smiling.....






You wouldn't know there's an invisible killer out there. You wouldn't think that we all need, A bit of grin and bear it, a bit of come and share it..... Very challenging times, and everyone has their story. Friends in Italy describe their confinements in painful detail. People in my street WhatsApp each other asking for essentials to be dropped at the doors of those in isolation.


I believe we will come through. I believe it will pass.  And there are good things.... The air is, despite the grisly virus, cleaner.  The streets are quieter.  People seem friendlier....  

I grin, and try to bear it. Amanda doesn't understand, and it is hard for her as she cannot entertain herself, and I cannot treat her as a child, give her games and puzzles.  She needs to be out, twice a day; she misses her routine swims and her various attendances at church.  

If it were just me, I wouldn't mind so much - I have my books, and the garden, and so on....  But it is very hard for someone whose comprehension of the world has slipped away.

So it is with this in mind that I celebrate these spring days, and the power of flowers, and recognise that there are reasons to be cheerful.....






Reasons to be cheerful, part three
Reasons to be cheerful, part three
Reasons to be cheerful, part three
Reasons to be cheerful, one, two, three

I don't mind
I don't mind, don't mind, don't mind, don't mind

Ian Robins Dury
1977








14 March 2020

Scapes....

Pictures from an Exhibitionist







I love travel....  And so does Amanda.  Only yesterday she went to Harlow, taking the wrong bus from St Albans and then resolutely refusing to get off it.

No matter. With the help of several vehicles full of the boys in blue from Welwyn Garden City, a sat nav and a Chinese tracking device (thank you Huawei!) we were reunited and spent an hour or so exploring the delights of Essex and Eastern Hertfordshire (never thought that Bishops Stortford was where Bishops used to ford the river Stort, whose soggy flood plain reaches Harlow, about whom I only knew Jean....)

Anyway, I digress (as I am won't to do....)

I love travelling, and seeing.....  [And, having recently been told that I have the beginnings of both cataracts and macular degeneration, I appreciate the wonders of sight with particular acuity.....]

So, from my room with a view on Hoog Straat (Rue Haute), Les Marolles, Brussels....







I contemplate the attractions of Benelux....








And they are many, from the Maison du Roi (1870) in the Grand Place, Brussels....







Through the Galleries Royales Saint-Hubert (1847)....







To the sweeping arches of the Liège-Guillemins train station (Santiago Calatrava, 2009),





To the cobbles and vaults around the Basilica of Saint Servatius (11th century) by the Vrijthof at the heart of Maastricht (whatever happened to the EU?)






Another train ride whisks me over the soggy plains of Flanders, flashing past the cities of Ghent, (what?)




and Bruges, (where?)








To the sand sea and sky of Ostend, where I look out across the Southern Bight of the North Sea, towards Eastern Anglia, as was.....

And see nothing.....







Or is it just me?  Is there no one there?



Il y a deux sortes de temps
Y a le temps qui attend
Et le temps qui espère
Il y a deux sortes de gens
Il y a les vivants
Et moi je suis en mer.




There are two sorts of time:
there is the time that waits
and the time that hopes.
There are two sorts of people:
there are the living
and me, I am at sea.

l'Ostendaise - Ostend girl

Jacques Brel






Yes, I love travel; going places, coming back, seeing things, meeting people.....  

Long may it last.....








{NB Composed before Belgium shut down bars and restaurants, etc.....

O tempora!  O mores!}




11 March 2020

Sexual Healing....

Pas de Masques....






Baby, I got sick this mornin'

A sea was stormin' inside of me
Baby, I think I'm capsizin'
The waves are risin' and risin'


We have much to lament, I guess, but also much for which we should be grateful....








And the rest of the men which were not killed by these plagues yet repented not of the works of their hands, that they should not worship devils, and idols of gold, and silver, and brass, and stone, and of wood: which neither can see, nor hear, nor walk:

Revelations 9:20





The time is out of joint..... 

In Ostend, I dance to the music of time at Anglo-Belgian painter James Ensor (and the his friends of the Cercle Cœcilia)'s masquerade the Bal du Rat Mort, which was initiated in 1898 after cheesy trips to Montmartre....



James Ensor: Masks Watching a Turtle, 1894


Ensor had a thing about masks, but, as above, is it the mask, or the person wearing it, that does the watching?  In Brussels, for a moment, I think Dumbnik Kummins is watching over me, swinging high on a wall (if only).....  His wooden face devoid of humanity, maybe full of opiates.







Though the pharmacies here are out of masks, the atmosphere in the Place du Jeu de Bal, in Les Marolles, is more laid back, and plenty of carved wooden masks are available, though this vendor is having a zizz (that's no way to make a living)   






There are people all around.  Some ignore me, pointedly, their fashionable stances ensuring medical metres between us....






Others keep a discreet distance, while they imagine their memoirs, 






While still others immerse themselves in accounts of others.....





And others simply have to talk to others, ignoring my innocent fellowship.....






The streets are full of intrigue, with pretence and suspicion rife....






Indeed, some do make me feel a tad guilty, for stealing their souls....







Some make a show of ignoring my shadow....






While others seem to wonder what I see in their quizzical gazes,






Or gently sympathise with my idle clicking....






The thing is my face is masked, and we are not understanding each other, even though my heart wants to reach out......

Who builds these walls?






Where's the fun gone?







Back in Ostend, at Residence Jane, Number 77 Promenade Albert I, Marvin Gaye sits at his table, composing Sexual Healing.







Ah, maybe I am wrong.....  he did that in 1982.  

A couple of doors down, at the Taverne Floride, I drink Leffe, as he did, and think that in this time of pandemic, maybe his formula wasn't wrong.....

Though sadly it didn't stop his preacher father shooting him.  Twice.  Once in the heart and once in the shoulder.






No wonder the angels are crying....








And the windows are full of masked ghosts....







Pas de masques.....

Please




And when I get that feeling
I want sexual healing
Sexual healing is good for me
Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us

Sexual Healing

David Ritz / Marvin Gaye / Odell Brown



Death and the Masks, 1897 - James Ensor
James Ensor: Death and the Masks, 1867

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